Dear Friends,
I thank you for reading this post again. I’ve been waiting for Ana to write something but she is simply too busy with her life, so here I am again. Ana is busy working 4 days a week, working part-time for a drug company, keeping up with a million book-related emails, taking care of her house, exercising and spending time with Trent. I admire all she does, because the book related emails are a full time job for me!

My winter hibernation is slowing coming to an end as I fill my calendar with more commitments in the next few months. Right now I’m ambitiously planning a Japanese book tour in October. I have some wonderful supporters who are trying to organize speaking opportunities. I will be glad to go to Japan again but this time with a mission- to explore Japanese views on organ donation, share American views, and find common ground. You may be aware that Japan does virtually no transplants despite having the technology and money to do it. The general public believes living with a dead person’s organs is as taboo as an American woman having an abortion. Generally, this is how I understand it: most Japanese don’t believe in brain death; they believe that a person dies when the heart stops, so essentially a recipient is killing a person if they turn off the machines of an American-defined brain dead person for the organs. They feel organ donation is against “God’s will” (though I thought most Japanese don’t believe in God). Going to share our book and speak cannot change deep-seated values and judgments in this very different culture. I expect any kind of reaction, and certainly must have reasonable expectations that change doesn’t happen quickly.

Anyway, that was a digression. I have been very busy the last few weeks. I haven’t exercised much but I am spending my time working on several projects. I have a few job prospects so please keep your fingers crossed for me. I am planning a few more book-related events and have updated our website (www.stenzeltwins.com). Ana and I are trying to pace ourselves and only travel twice a month. We need to learn to say no or else we’ll just get too tapped. But we did say yes to some opportunities that couldn’t be passed up- we are excited to speak locally for Google, the US Women’s EXPO, and for a CFF fundraiser in Livermore. Also, I just received copies of “Chicken Soup for the Twin Soul”, where I submited an entry that was accepted for publication. Those things take time and add to some excitement in life. There is so much going on. We have an addiction to email because we never know when there’ll be something exciting around the corner.

Last Friday the 6th, I went to a Stanford Alumni Association workshop for women who want to find balance. It turned out to be a day focused on career networking and entrepreneurialism in women. It was indeed a challenge to my self-esteem. Most women were older- in their fifties, and everyone I talked to was in the corporate world- MBA-types, executives, management consultants, lawyers. I was clearly out of place (as a social worker) and I was completely out of my comfort zone. But it was a good place to be, just for me to evaluate myself. The two people I ended up talking to ended saying, “Oh, I’m getting over a cold,” and of course I freaked out and recoiled into my past shy anti-social insecure self. I went to this event hoping to hear some insight about how women find work that balances family (or in my case health), time, and pleasure. This event was more about networking and business tips like getting venture capital for new ideas. I didn’t like how the advice given was based on connecting to people in order for them to give something to you in return. As a social worker, it is more in my nature to connect for the sake of connecting, and that expecting in return is self-serving and phony. Maybe I’m really naive and unrealistic. I met a few people my age, who ended up talking about how trustworthy their husbands are to look after the kids. Not my world. The motivational talks were about climbing the corporate ladder, and what defines success as a Stanford graduate (eyes roll). Fifteen years ago at Stanford, this kind of indoctrination would have left me feeling resentful, envious and angry at these normal people for the lives they have and I don’t. I have to admit part of me admired and envied that they could be so ambitious without any fear of health problems… at least not for 20 years or more. But now, at 37, I look at these women with envy mixed with acceptance and even some pity. Not that I really know, but it seems to me that being in the corporate world grasping for “success” (as our modern male-dominated corporate society defines it) is extremely addictive, exhausting, stressful and disconnecting from self and others. That’s the world they choose, for their own happiness. I admired the independence and responsibility of these women. I admired how they probably earned a great deal of money, all by themselves. They were probably respected by men as well as women. I wished I could be like that.

I decided women in their 50’s are in the primes of their lives. They look beautiful with their gray hair and wrinkles, exuding a sense of confidence, wisdom and credibility. They speak with authority and groundedness. I want to be like that. I even thought, “I wanna die my hair gray”, but I guess Loreal doesn’t make that color. So, in the midst of a CEO’s lecture my mind wandered as waves of insecurity would come and go, and then, right then and there, an epiphany came to me: God chose me. God chose me to have an unconventional life. He picked me, of all these smart and ambitious women in this room, to learn lessons early about dependency, love, essence when I have had no health, job, money, 401k, professional network. He chose me to have CF and to forgo all the other external cares of this world, except trying to breathe and be surrounded by people I love. I was chosen to write and share this story, to pass on some other message to others.

The next day, Ana and I attended the Women on Writing (WOW) conference at Skyline College. I’ve attended WOW many times since 2002 or so, when I wanted to start writing my book. I met women then and joined a writing group and memoir class because of this great event. This time, we came back with the product- our book! Ana and I had a booth and tried to sell our book, but we didn’t sell any ($30 is a lot). Lots of women were interested and chatted with us in compassionate ways. Again, most women in the group were in their 50’s to 60’s, and interested in writing memoirs. Some of them asked, “Aren’t you a little young to write a memoir?” We get that a lot. As usual most people addressed us by, “Oh, did you girls write this?” I’m too old to be a ‘girl’. I was annoyed that being younger comes with disadvantages-I want to be respected, convincing, wise. But as published authors, I have to admit it was fulfilling to offer advice to women who were just getting started. I was also inspired by a workshop leader who is doing what I want to do: teach therapeutic writing.

So, these two days as a witness to older womens’ lives made me yearn and reflect. I guess it doesn’t make sense to go green with envy. I tell myself I can’t go green. It’s unfair to myself and to others. I can just hope and pray I’ll be old and wise someday. I can walk one step at a time, learning and growing, going in and out of my comfort zone, and hopefully, God-willing, someday I’ll be like those mature women.

I’m just grateful to already be halfway there. On Tuesday, Andrew and I celebrated fifteen years since we started to go out. We went through some old albums and admired how young we looked! My skin was great then… so was his hair! We had many wonderful times together. Having CF wasn’t all that bad at all. Life now is just easier.

Then, on Thursday, I met my old CF friend Anna. I lived at her house one summer when I was 20 and she was 9, and we’d walk to her local mini-mall for ice cream. That was seventeen years ago! Now, she’s 26 and I’m 37, we are both married, both college and grad-school graduates, I am transplanted and she is avoiding the transplant list and hanging in there. We can laugh and joke like we’re immature kids and we can have real, intimate life and death conversations. My maternal feelings towards Anna have transformed long ago into sisterly love, where I’m okay if she’s okay. This afternoon made me realize how lucky I am to grow older with my CF friends. We’ve lost so many, it makes me want to hold on tighter to those still here.

I am going to Seattle next week for two talks and to spend time with my cousins and my dearest high school girlfriends. I’ll also play bagpipes on St Patty’s Day at my cousin’s kids’ preschool. It is times like these when I am glad to be unemployed! I am grateful to have the opportunity to combine speaking opportunities with pleasure.

Thank you for listening to my rambles. Happy St. Patricks Day, and incidentally, I hope you don’t go green. Not to be self-centered, but I sometimes wonder if anyone who reads this blog has gone green with envy, because of my fabulous life. If this is you, it is a natural instinct to envy, especially if you’re in the throws of CF or illness. I hope you can reflect on what helps you and what doesn’t. We are all evolving in our own self-awareness.

I wish you all a wonderful week and a beautiful March.

Love and hugs, Isa

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